Into the Wardrobe

Hello all,

For most of my Christian life, I have been struggling with a skewed notion of what God is like. I have a tendency to think that God is out to make my life difficult and unpleasant, and that He wants me to do things that I don't particularly enjoy doing (I'm not talking about things like commandments I should follow but don't want to, but life choices that God generally leaves to people to make on their own, like where to live, what school to go to, etc.).

Example: I've been wanting a job at Store X, but they haven't called me back yet, even though I've been trying very hard. I start thinking that I'm just meant to work at Store Y, which I hate. I also feel bad about even WANTING to work there. God doesn't want to me to work at Store X, where there is a better environment and I would be happier. I get confused about what God WANTS me to want. It all becomes a convoluted mess in my head.

I know that the solution really is to continue to study who God really is and what His characteristics are. I know that I should not feel guilty because of what He has already done. But this mentality feels so ingrained in me...it's so hard to not analyze all my life situations and try to connect it to God's thoughts towards me and what He wants me to do. Does anybody have any words for me on this?

Moved to RSP.

My advice if you were an Anglican would be discuss this with your spiritual director; if you are an Anglican and don't have a spiritual director ask your local priest how you can find one. If you belong to a church or denomination that has no tradition of spiritual direction then try to find out from the leaders of your church what they do for individuals to help them develop their discernment - how they get alongside people. It may be you could be helped by a counsellor or therapist as long as they were not hostile to the Christian faith because these feelings about God would seem to have their roots in your past experience, probably in your childhood.

For writers to help you think this through I would suggest some of those who have tried to combine spirituality with an understanding of therapy or psychology. So you can choose one to match your own tradition if you wish I'll tell you roughly where these come from.
Scott Peck - The Road Less Traveled - (Christian with a few new age touches - some evangelical's don't like him, but this is a great book)
Gerard Hughes - God of Surprises (Roman Catholic - explores the Ignatian tradition - best to work through this with a spiritual director)
Christopher Bryant - Depth Psychology and Religious Belief (Anglo-Catholic, Jungian)
Dick Keyes - Beyond Personality (evangelical/reformed - used to work at L'Abri)
Floyd McClung - The Father Heart of God. (evangelical, Arminian, Worked for youth with a mission in Amsterdam.)
If you prefer to step outside your tradition and get a new insight I find that can help. I am an evangelical but I've had liberal and catholic directors and found that has worked well.
On the secular side you might want to take a look at John Bradshaw or Carl Rogers. In fact some of Rogers ideas about the restoration of an organismic valuing process seem very relevant but really you need to work through this in a therapeutic context, whether religious or secular rather than have me spout a load of theory at you.

Why has this been moved to RSP?

I think this view of God is somewhat common in Christian traditions rooted in Puritanism and other sects descended from the "radical" Protestant reformation.

It's also the view that I had (coming from a heathen upbringing) about the time that I became a Christian. At the age of 13, I began attending church for the first time. I realized that to be a "proper" Christian I needed to commit my whole self to God; but for a couple of years I couldn't bring myself to do that, since I thought that I would have a miserable dull life, and I was just starting to find some small joy after a bleak unhappy childhood. When I finally did commit myself to God, it was after a hellfire talk by a fundamentalist singer/preacher, which made me decide that a life of misery was worth it to escape eternal damnation. But God surprised me. Literally overnight, he filled me with a joy that has been the mainstay of my life over the last 32 years. Even so,I still struggle sometimes with the notion that God wants me to be miserable; it's a difficult notion to shake.

I'm reminded of something that Lewis wrote to his friend Mary Willis (in Letters to an American Lady): his wife had a feeling one day that God wanted her to do something. She fretted for a little while, trying to think what it might be, when she "heard" a voice say "I don't want you to do something; I want to give you something". And she felt joy and peace wash over her.

I second postodave's suggestion of a spiritual director. Or, if that is not your style, on your own you might try meditative prayer, and look to experience God in new ways.

I struggle with this also, seeing God as always frowning down on me and the things that I enjoy. I come from a fundamentalist background and also have ocd so it's to be expected. I tend to feel peace only when I am suffering or doing things for others and have a hard time being good to myself. In my experience, what helped me most changing my picture of God - the beginning of Hebrews says that God has shown Himself to us through His Son. So in essence, the complete revelation of the Father is Jesus (as a favorite blogger of mine says "God is Jesus"). The whole Bible shows God gradually revealing Himself just like a lense slowly focusing, Jesus was the perfect focus.

I think that C.S. Lewis describes the issue very well.

In my experience God often seem to let people go the way they think is right and most pleasent, and that even if God knows its not. But after a time (some times long time) later the person who went wrong realises how wrong he/she had about her choise. Then when he/she have went through times of lonleyness och wilderness (like israels people in the desert) God can begin to silently whisper in the persons ear what was the the right choise; and begin to rebuild the relationship.

(Excuse my sometimes poor way of expressing myself in english)